Breaking up with a broken screen or outdated is never easy. That hunk of plastic and metal got you through so many selfies, rides home, and questionable video chats. But when it comes time to upgrade and treat yourself to the next generation of iPhone, it wouldn't hurt to get a little creative with your send-offs. Here's some of our suggestions.
The least eco-friendly of the lot, but the most dramatic. Traditionally this would be done in a boat on a body of water with flaming arrows, so if the blazes don't send your old janky pocket computer straight to Valhalla, the depths certainly will.
2. CHILD'S TOY
Make sure it's on airplane mode
Kids want to be like you. That's why they're always talking like you, following you around, and trying to sneak off into the pantry so they can have ONE quiet glass of wine in peace. Let them pretend they can keep up with our hellishly-paced adult dystopia and tell them the shiny light-making machine is 100% functional. They'll love it.
OMG ^____________^ this may not be doable from an app on your phone, but all you need to do is rummage through your storage closet, dust off that tangerine-colored iMac, try to remember which My Chemical Romance song title was your password, login to your xX_B00p_tHe_Sn00t_Xx handle for the first time since you saw Van Helsing in theaters, and let that last-gen fossil know you're hella done with it. rawrXD
4. MAKE ARMOR FOR YOUR BATTLEBOT
The question that plagues us all - how to get more ballistic impact plating layers on my BattleBot without using heavy deflective metals that would send it over the registered weight class limit? The answer is simple - chuck the old phone in the trash and use that old Smartish case as a protective layer around your technologically advanced death Roomba. We've protected billions of dollars worth of iPhones safely for years, so why not trust it in futuristic dystopian synthetic gladiator cage fights?
5. GHOST IT
When it's sending push notifications to you about system updates and you're getting a delivery notification for your brand new phone, it's totally acceptable to just turn that old beast off. No warning, no anticipation, no build-up. Just straight unadulterated truth in the form of "I don't need you anymore." Brutal.
Whether you want to keep that aged hunk of plastic around for crafty domestic use or send it across the rainbow bridge to meet Odin, there's a viable option for every well-meaning phone owner here. Make sure to delete those photos before you toss it...just in case.